2015 is almost over. December is usually the month where I review and recall how the year went. This is the month where I started to think for the next year goals and prayers. I looked back on my journal and highlighted goals I achieved. It’s not much but at least I accomplished something. Yey! 🙂
2015 Goals & Prayers -(Achieved/Answered)
- Get a New Job (with Permit)
As an Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW), it is necessary that you get a job with working permit so you can stay legally. There are Filipinos risk themselves working without paper. Well, I am afraid to be caught by immigration if I would risk myself working outside. Outside, like restaurants, stores or hotels.So I was working inside, in a house, a maid. I can’t believe I am sharing this here. To be honest, I didn’t mind the job at first until I was told not to tell anyone. But why? Being a maid is not a crime, it is still a job. Even graduate students chose to be maid, bravely leaving their love ones for a belief of a better life. I could have tried to apply to other job here but as a Christian I do not think it is right not to comply on their rules. Here in Aruba, you have to have at least 5 permits so you can be signed by another establishments without any hassles. Whether you have a degree or not, living in other country, being fussy about job won’t work. I wrote this goal the first, why? My last 3 year contract job was horrible. I had sleepless nights, my emotions were so tired, physically and mentally exhausted, I was wasted. I couldn’t wait to finish the contract. I do not want to sound gossiping about my former boss but the effect on my personality was awful. I didn’t know who I am and what I can do anymore. Self-pity and low self esteem overwhelm my whole being. Nights that I was just in the corner of my room, sitting down, elbows on my knees, hands covering my face, seemed to break down. I couldn’t express my real self. I wanted to go back home in Philippines but because of my family, my family.. my family.. Oh my God! haha (Bb Pilipinas 2008 Janina. 🙂 Kaway if you get it!) I couldn’t. I had to be strong for myself and for them. It was tough, really…
I still work in a house now but with new employers. Yey. And they are really nice people. I don’t feel a worker, they treat me like I am part of the family. I really thank God for this job and for extended family. It is not a good position for others, but for me, I came to realize, I am really blessed to have this job. Can you imagine, I am a maid but I can eat sushi frequently? 🙂 Dushi (Delicious or Sweetheart in their language) for free most of the time. I can eat on fine dining restaurants for free. I can stay in a hotel for a week, free. Not only that, I really feel free! Words are not enough to express how I felt the moment I left my former employers. It’s like I was in a jail for years and the moment I stepped outside, an indescribable feeling I felt, I just cried and whispered “I am free”. Boom! Freedom Indeed! I was jobless for a month until a door of opportunity opened. This new family I am working with is far different from the previous. They are one of the best family I’ve ever met. Oh God, they are really nice! I am starting to develop my personality again. I know, this may sound dramatic but my past experience was a trauma for me!
I am currently holding the 4th permit, it is annually renewed. One more to go and I will be spreading my wings and fly! Patience is a Virtue. If I had the patience for the past 4 years, I would have, for more years, as long as God is showing me His grace and mercy everyday. He is the source of my strength, my joy, my peace and love. Thank God for the long patience and for experiences that made me closer to Him.
I left them January with the braveness I didn’t know where I got. Not to boast, but I was their first employee endured the 3 year contract. No doubt, I know exactly why they left without any advise. They ran away. I still tried to have a nice goodbye to them but as usual they try to scare me with threats like ‘We will call the immigration office to get you’, ‘You can’t find a job’,’No one will accept you’, etc. my previous employers said. Nevertheless, here’s what I held on “What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31. My prayer was answered February, got a new job with permit. Ang bilis diba? 🙂
2. See Jesus
It was Sunday, March 01, 2015. My hands were raised up, tears were falling from my closed eyes, seeking Him, gazing in His beauty, pouring out my heart to Him, thanking and worshiping my King, my God, Jesus.
Am I weird to ask I want to literally see him? Jesus reveals himself in different ways, it’s always special and in an intimate way. I can see him through reading his Word, prayers and fasting. In every situation, he can manifest Himself. He is good, I know that well. But I actually did ask him to show me his face like literally.
The congregation were singing:
Our Father in Heaven
Hollowed be your name
Your kingdom come quickly
Your will be done the same
On earth as it is in heaven
Let heaven come to earth as it is
In heaven, let heaven come
For a deep reason, my heart was stirred and I was crying. Thinking all of his goodness in my life, I want him more, I want more of Him. Experiencing trials in this life, makes me wanna go home to my real house. He is the shelter and the refuge, my strength. I want him, I want more of Him. My heart was full of his presence. I could feel them. I really felt home as I started to worship Him. No worries, I just have the joy being in His presence. That is life for me.
Yours is the kingdom
Yours is the power
Yours is the glory
I didn’t mind how I look that moment, I just want to worship and see Him. Grateful I am, I lifted my hands higher as I could, elevating His name higher. He deserved that, more than my hands and arms, more than my worship, He deserved to be adored. He deserved the praises from his people. He wants to see us loving him. 🙂
The next song was about to sing. As the guitarist strummed, I noticed something, I was seeing vision.
Drenta Den Mi Cas
Manera Zakeo lo mi ke subi
Mas halto ku mi por
Mi ke mira bo anhela pa bo so
I hala bo atenshon pa mi
Mi tin Mister di bo Senor
Mi tin Mister di bo mi Tata
Mi ta chikitu misa duna mi bo pas
Mi ke laga tur kos atras
Drenta den mi cas drenta den mi bida
Cambia tur mi struktura
Sana tur mi heridanan
Sinia mi di bo santidat
Mi ke stima abo so
Pasobra bo ta mi gran amor
Hasi un milager den mi
Like Zaccheus, I’d like to climb as high as I can. I want to see you, long for you only and turn your attention to me. I need you Lord. I need you my Father. I am small, I know, but great are you. I want to leave everything behind. Enter in my house. Enter in my life. Change my whole structure, heal all my wounds. Teach me your holiness. I want to love you alone, because you are my great love. Do a miracle in me.
I couldn’t believe at first. He was wearing white, radiantly illuminates the place. It was him and me alone in that place. It was blurry at first and it becomes clear. I saw his smile. I remember as the worship time started, all in my mind was “God I want to see you” He was coming over me, my mind was in doubt, “hmm..its just a thought” I was stunned by His holiness. But at that moment I was silent, looking at him, I wanted him to get closer, more closer. I wanted to embrace him. I was full of joy. In my heart I prayed “Lord if this is you, if this is real or not, thank you because I am home, I feel home, the peace that I wanted for years, now I can rest in you, I can finally see you” I didn’t want to end. His eyes were talking to me, he was staring at me like I am the most beautiful person in the world. I can’t express this in words. All I know it was his joy, it was him telling me “Yhang, I love you” White fluids kept falling from small eyes, forget about my eyeliner, I didn’t mind, I couldn’t control the tears of joy. My heart was full of endearment, though words I couldn’t hear but I felt it. I am loved.
The worship time through music ended. Word of God exhorted. Still in amazement. I was astonished, it kept popping in my head but I managed to listen to the preacher. The service was about to end when Pastor mentioned my name and asked me to go on stage. That day was my birthday. He started to pray and as if God is directly talking to me. I know it was a confirmation that he was the one I saw. “You’ve been longing to see me, I am revealing myself to you. When you worship me, you will see ME. I will use you mightily, when you open your mouth and heart and worship, you will release my message to people, there will be healing and deliverance. Keep seeking Me, I want you to know that I love you” says the Lord, Pastor said. Amen.
Sobbed. “I Love you” These words he wanted to confirmed. Through vision, where I was still in doubt, he used a person to tell me his message straight to me. He was the one I saw. He confirmed that through Pastor’s prayer. It is true, that whenever I worship Him, I feel different. It was not me. It was him who is working through me. As a worship leader in our church, I honestly sometimes tired of leading when you see the members not engaging. What on earth are they doing at church? Why aren’t they worshiping? Why are they so numb. Isn’t he faithful to their lives? I think every worship leader can relate to what I am trying to say here. They usually stare at you as if telling you “what the heck are u singing, you better stop” haha 🙂 and you feel that you are not good enough, this is not your calling and just quit. There were times, that I just want the ground to be opened and be eaten down. Shame. But as time went by, one thing I’d learned that worship is not about the people. Do not mind how they worship, you start to give reverence to your Creator and keep your heart poured out to God, he will spill his presence to you and freely overflow to the people around you through you. Worship leading is not about singing and people, it is about Jesus. Focus your eyes on Him. He is so beautiful and wonderful.
This was the greatest and wonderful birthday gift I’ve ever receive in my 29 years of living in this crazy world. 🙂
3. Learn How to Play Keyboard/Piano
Achieved. I know now the basic and I can play and sing. I wanted to learn this to accompany my singing. Worshiping Him everyday is always the best feeling. It is my escape. When troubles come, I worship. When I am happy, I worship. When I am mad, I worship, When homesickness strikes in, I worship. This is where I belong, my hiding place, in God’s presence. Thank you keyboard for accompanying my year!
Out of 11 Goals, 3 were attained. The others are half way answered and others simply will go and added for the next year goals.
- Driving License – x
- Save Money – I only have 200dollars at the moment. Lol Proud! Hirap kaya mag ipon. Labas kasi lahat. Alam na ni Lord yun. 🙂 Lets start again!
- Read or at least finish Old Testament – I am still at 2nd Samuel. Shame. haha 🙂 But I do read Bible and devotionals. I was just planning to read from Genesis.
- Read 50-100 Novels – Nakakahiya 10 lang! 😦 Busy! Dahilan pa!
- Speak/Learn Papiamento– still basic
- Apply for US Visa – x
- Know your spiritual gifts and use them– I kind of know mine but there were days I was procrastinating. I didn’t use them well. One of them is teaching. I handle a tambourine dance for kids. I also minister to them, I don’t only teach them the tambourine patterns but trying to lead them to Jesus, let them know how good and faithful God is in their lives, how he loves them and remind them from time to time to check their motives, it is the heart towards God matters most. Walang yabang!
- Memorize verses from the Bible– Mahina ako dyan! 🙂 10? LOL
Now, I come to see this, I realized that I didn’t ask for material things that much. E di wow! I just noticed. But I still feel fulfilled. Through out the year, God has been faithful to me. I couldn’t ask for more. Experiencing His love is the best. I have desires and prayers, yes, but at the end of the day, at the end of the year literally, I still want him. His presence is life to me. It completes me. I know I can face my tomorrow with confidence because He is God, I might change many times, I might fail always, but His love will remain and his grace will amazingly given. He will remain God, who is forever faithful. What a mighty God I serve! Yey! 🙂
Thank you and Goodbye 2015! Happy New Year 2016! I am ready to face you. I am excited! 🙂 Have you written down your new year goals?
May you all have a successful 2016! 🙂 Blessings!!!
Featured Image: CTTO (google image)