An Open Letter to my Sister

Dear ate Queen,

I woke up in the middle of the night, couldn’t get back to sleep. I asked God to show me who to pray for. I didn’t forget your birthday. I whispered sweet prayers for you. It’s your day, ate Queen! I hope you are having a great time at the moment. Suddenly, my eyes are full of tears. I know you want us to be there with you to celebrate your birthday. But we all know that it is not that easy. How I wish I can just hug you right now, laugh with you loudly (as we usually do), cry with you as we remember the challenges we’ve been through. I wish I can just fly there easily to surprise you with a party, go shopping with you, eat together and just have sisters bonding. Wish I can make you happy by being present on your birthday. But I couldn’t. To make you feel loved (always) even I am a thousand miles away. This is the least I can do.

I have seen you suffered many times but you got up every time. You are one of the strongest people I know. I can say this not only because I know the challenges you’ve been through but because you have become my inspiration. During the times I was so down and depressed, you never stop lifting me up, praying for me. I cannot thank you enough for all the sacrifices you’ve done for me and King when we were younger. You stood up like our parents, ate (older sister) and kuya (older brother) HAHA. Yeah, that’s why you’re boyish. You fought carelessly when someone tries to hurt us and make us cry. As soon as you know we’re hurt, you are ready to go and talk to them with all your deep words that will make them feel guilty for hurting us. LOL Thank you for being our hero. 

You never look down on us. You always believe in us, in our capabilities, our talents and you are always the ‘Stage Sister’. You celebrate with our accomplishments, you prayed harder for our success that sometimes or most of the time you forget yourself. You are selfless. You think others first more than yourself. Everything is set aside, it’s Princess and King – the priority. Thank you for all your love.

We had a big fight just recently, and I think that was the first time in our entire life. I hurt you badly and I was scared when you told me ‘Simula ngayon wala ka ng ate’ (From now on you don’t have a sister, I am no longer your older sister). I cried so hard like a baby and I know, you did as well. That’s the painful words I ever received in my life. I was scared. You blocked me on your messenger list. Up to this day, I couldn’t believe you did that. I just know that moment that we are both hurt. Brandon, my husband didn’t know how to comfort me. I cried at night, to morning. The next day, couldn’t take it anymore and I was ready to make a letter to my boss and asked for a vacation, go to the Philippines and say Sorry.  I can let others get mad at me, unfriended me, or just disappear in my life but not my sister. I just love her and I was so sorry for hurting her. Mommy scolded us both HAHA, we’re too old to fight. Thank God we talked and apologized the next day. I was relieved. 

I miss you. I love you.

As you pray for our happiness, please remember and know that I do the same. I pray and want the best for you, ‘te Queen. I am so glad that after years of praying and trying you, finally get your license as a nurse #RegisteredNurse. You courageously shared your story to the Facebook world. You didn’t hesitate to tell them that before you pass it, you failed many times. For people’s/ world’s view, they are failures, but for me, they are blessings. Challenges mold you, shape you and made you stronger. You are an inspiration. You inspired us and encouraged us to never give up on your dreams. There will be hindrances on the way, you’ll encounter many obstacles but you just keep pressing on and trusting God that He knows what He is doing.

Secondly, for how many years you were single, you finally found the one. Congratulations on your 1st year anniversary yesterday (Nov 18) – Hashtag #fiance #worththewait #MayForever HAHA. I am so happy for you. I thank God every day because I don’t need to worry for you about your love life any more. HAHA God is always on time, ate Queen. It was not in a rush but it was a sincere prayer that one day, you will find a man God has created just for you. And the day has come.

You are gorgeous, inside out.

Happy Birthday, ate Queen. Di ko na ilalagay and edad, wala na tayo sa kalendaryo.  I will say it again, single or married, I will never stop listening to you, caring for you and loving you.

I rejoice with you for all your blessings! We love you so much

(Wala akong picture this time. Madaling araw na.. ZZZZZzzzz manguha ako saglit sa FB.)

Photo Credit: Kuya Manny Jonah Dela Cruz

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I’m back

Depression isn’t easy.

I remember the days when I used to suffer from it. I had symptoms but no one notices, I had a smile on my face every time they see me but they didn’t know I was dying inside. I had attempts and thoughts of ending my….. I don’t even want to say it… suicide. Oh well! What is it to be shy about? People judges you, they know you are a Christian and they thought you can’t experience such things. But let me tell you this, Christians are humans. No matter how we try to do God’s will in our lives, we all have seasons and situations. We have feelings, we struggle too. Maybe the only difference is… we admit that we need JESUS. Whether you are a believer or not, we do all struggle.

God healed me. It took me long years. Yes, long years. Since I arrived here in Aruba, my life changed. I had to face the changes instantly. And I think I am one of the people who can’t just adopt quickly. I have to take my time, people shouldn’t force me. What happened is… people compare their situation to mine. That just because they experience the same hardship, I should also, adopt it quickly. Honestly, it was not easy for me but I tried and I kept moving.

There were times when I just simply want to go back to my own country, but I had to ask God if that’s what He also wants. I grew up with the heart wanting to do what God wants in my life. I failed Him many times and that’s just part of my journey. I learned from my disobedience and stubbornness. But I do believe in Him. He knows what He is doing and He is so good at it. Sometimes we don’t understand His plans are, but we just have to trust that He loves us.

The more I asked him “Why”? Why am I still here?” the more I experienced difficulties during those years. Depression kicks in. I wanted to do my own way, I wanted to control what’s going to happen in my life. I wanted things to happen the way I pictured them. But didn’t happen at all. I started to look down on myself, I have begun to hate myself, unknowingly I am hurting other people too. My behavior changed. And even I tried to look at good things at myself and at others, I failed and ended up becoming negative and isolating myself to others even to those who love me as I am. People didn’t see that. But I noticed it. I didn’t like it. I don’t like to dislike people just because they didn’t match to my personality.

To make it short, I got up and tried to rise up again. It’s a process. I had to make a planner list down I have to do the whole day so I can stay productive. Because when you’re depressed, you don’t want to do anything. You work but just because you need to but your heart isn’t there, your mind isn’t there. You only think about the negatives. You cry so much over nothing. You got mad over nothing. There is no life.

Reading the WORD, having quiet time and worshiping HIm even I was hurting was my ways of dealing with it. I ran to the ONE who created me. I ran to the ONE who writes down my story. He knows how to handle it. He knows me from the inside out. I do not have to worry because even I look at myself weak, even I look down on myself, He sees me beautiful, He sees me righteous and lovely. He never judges me. He loves me. That’s the truth. I clung to that. I held on to that.

Do not get me wrong for saying I look down on myself. People will say, you shouldn’t because God created you. He made you wonderfully and beautifully. Some will ask “Don’t you believe that?” You should, because you are a Christian. And I will say it again, I am human and I can still feel any feelings such as sadness, anger, frustrations, and depression. What I believe — we all have different situations and if we let Him mold us during the process, you will get out from it stronger. And the more you will know that HE is real. When you can’t do anything but trust Him. People will judge you and won’t understand what you are going through, but HIM. He knows everything and He knows me so well.

Everything happens for a reason and that is a truth.

If I will look back now, all I can say is “Thank you, Lord” If it wasn’t for Him, I don’t know where I am now. And I won’t be ashamed to tell my story and reveals God’s glory.

When I say I am back, it doesn’t only mean that I am back here in blogging, but literally, the one who I used to be is back. I met new people in my life and I am glad I could share my days, my thoughts, my heart to them. I got married to the man God made just for me. I got a new job, and I am blessed. Dreams, visions, and plans are active. I finally know what I want to do with my life, to keep living my purpose. I don’t look down on myself. I held to my identity in Christ. Even people will look down on me, I will get hurt but I get up believing that I am not who the people say I am. I am who God says I am. Every day is a challenge but I wake up hopeful, trusting that God is in control.

I still feel afraid sometimes, I am not perfect. But… God’s love gives me confidence. And I am forever grateful.

If you are experiencing depression, find help. You can also talk to me, I will not tell you what to do but to patiently listen. People who are depressed need people who know how to listen. The first step in overcoming depression is to believe that you are not alone.

Thank you for still reading up to this point. I appreciate it!

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