I’m back

Depression isn’t easy.

I remember the days when I used to suffer from it. I had symptoms but no one notices, I had a smile on my face every time they see me but they didn’t know I was dying inside. I had attempts and thoughts of ending my….. I don’t even want to say it… suicide. Oh well! What is it to be shy about? People judges you, they know you are a Christian and they thought you can’t experience such things. But let me tell you this, Christians are humans. No matter how we try to do God’s will in our lives, we all have seasons and situations. We have feelings, we struggle too. Maybe the only difference is… we admit that we need JESUS. Whether you are a believer or not, we do all struggle.

God healed me. It took me long years. Yes, long years. Since I arrived here in Aruba, my life changed. I had to face the changes instantly. And I think I am one of the people who can’t just adopt quickly. I have to take my time, people shouldn’t force me. What happened is… people compare their situation to mine. That just because they experience the same hardship, I should also, adopt it quickly. Honestly, it was not easy for me but I tried and I kept moving.

There were times when I just simply want to go back to my own country, but I had to ask God if that’s what He also wants. I grew up with the heart wanting to do what God wants in my life. I failed Him many times and that’s just part of my journey. I learned from my disobedience and stubbornness. But I do believe in Him. He knows what He is doing and He is so good at it. Sometimes we don’t understand His plans are, but we just have to trust that He loves us.

The more I asked him “Why”? Why am I still here?” the more I experienced difficulties during those years. Depression kicks in. I wanted to do my own way, I wanted to control what’s going to happen in my life. I wanted things to happen the way I pictured them. But didn’t happen at all. I started to look down on myself, I have begun to hate myself, unknowingly I am hurting other people too. My behavior changed. And even I tried to look at good things at myself and at others, I failed and ended up becoming negative and isolating myself to others even to those who love me as I am. People didn’t see that. But I noticed it. I didn’t like it. I don’t like to dislike people just because they didn’t match to my personality.

To make it short, I got up and tried to rise up again. It’s a process. I had to make a planner list down I have to do the whole day so I can stay productive. Because when you’re depressed, you don’t want to do anything. You work but just because you need to but your heart isn’t there, your mind isn’t there. You only think about the negatives. You cry so much over nothing. You got mad over nothing. There is no life.

Reading the WORD, having quiet time and worshiping HIm even I was hurting was my ways of dealing with it. I ran to the ONE who created me. I ran to the ONE who writes down my story. He knows how to handle it. He knows me from the inside out. I do not have to worry because even I look at myself weak, even I look down on myself, He sees me beautiful, He sees me righteous and lovely. He never judges me. He loves me. That’s the truth. I clung to that. I held on to that.

Do not get me wrong for saying I look down on myself. People will say, you shouldn’t because God created you. He made you wonderfully and beautifully. Some will ask “Don’t you believe that?” You should, because you are a Christian. And I will say it again, I am human and I can still feel any feelings such as sadness, anger, frustrations, and depression. What I believe — we all have different situations and if we let Him mold us during the process, you will get out from it stronger. And the more you will know that HE is real. When you can’t do anything but trust Him. People will judge you and won’t understand what you are going through, but HIM. He knows everything and He knows me so well.

Everything happens for a reason and that is a truth.

If I will look back now, all I can say is “Thank you, Lord” If it wasn’t for Him, I don’t know where I am now. And I won’t be ashamed to tell my story and reveals God’s glory.

When I say I am back, it doesn’t only mean that I am back here in blogging, but literally, the one who I used to be is back. I met new people in my life and I am glad I could share my days, my thoughts, my heart to them. I got married to the man God made just for me. I got a new job, and I am blessed. Dreams, visions, and plans are active. I finally know what I want to do with my life, to keep living my purpose. I don’t look down on myself. I held to my identity in Christ. Even people will look down on me, I will get hurt but I get up believing that I am not who the people say I am. I am who God says I am. Every day is a challenge but I wake up hopeful, trusting that God is in control.

I still feel afraid sometimes, I am not perfect. But… God’s love gives me confidence. And I am forever grateful.

If you are experiencing depression, find help. You can also talk to me, I will not tell you what to do but to patiently listen. People who are depressed need people who know how to listen. The first step in overcoming depression is to believe that you are not alone.

Thank you for still reading up to this point. I appreciate it!

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